Two old men slag each other for votes

Two old men – Joe Biden (113) and Donald Trump (108) – took part in a slagging match this week as part of their campaign to become President of the United States of America.

The slagging battle, which appeared to have taken place after both contestants had consumed six whiskeys, was found to be very disappointing by the majority of viewers.

Patrick Ryan, a Biden fan, who was watching at a ‘Watch Party’, at his house, on his own, shared his disappointment on X (formerly Twitter).

“Real disappointed with the slaggings. ‘Sucker and loser’ are elementary school slaggings. Biden should have went for ‘wee prick’ or ‘f**king melter’. I don’t know how I should vote now to be honest.”

Eleanor Ringting on the other hand was left uninspired by her favored candidate, Mr Trump. Not asked for her opinion by anyone, but giving it anyway, Ms. Ringting said “I’ll probably vote for the big guy anyway but I thought his slaggings were shite. Trump calling Biden old is like Mr Blobby calling a Sumo Wrestler fat. He should have went for ‘beanpole’ or ‘pasty faced old duffer’. I want to Make American Slaggings Great Again.”

Political Commentators and media outlets echoed the disappointment of voters. The Financial Times described the slagging battle as ‘a crock of shit’. The Guardian editorial said that Biden had ‘choked like that Poppa Doc asshole at the end of [Eminem’s semi-autobiographical movie] 8 Mile’.

Latest polls shows the two candidates neck and neck in the early stages of their respective campaigns.

An un-named source close to the Biden camp appealed for calm from his supporters.

“Joe Biden is just getting started. Everybody knows it’s when the physical stuff starts that Joe really shines. We’ve a car park scrap, when they’ll try to beat absolute lumps out of each other scheduled for Mid-July. Our focus groups tell us that if Biden beats the shite out of Trump, then we should be looking at a double digit lead moving into August.”

The Car Park is expected to be the Charles Hurst ‘Used Direct’ forecourt on the Boucher Road in Belfast, due to its size and extensive transport links in the area.

The campaigns will proceed throughout the next few months, and there’s no doubt there will be many twists and turns still to come.